


Draw Back Your Bow

by Cleo_Jay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleo_Jay/pseuds/Cleo_Jay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After thousands of years, you’d think the God of Love would have learnt by now not to insult his mother. The punishment? Temporary exile in a castle full of teenagers. Because Aphrodite is <i>evil</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Draw Back Your Bow

**Author's Note:**

> Author/Artist LJ Name: cleo_jay  
> Prompter: marianna_merlo  
> Prompt Number: #29  
> Title: Draw Back Your Bow  
> Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, Hermione/Ron, Ginny/Luna (+ some other surprise side pairings)  
> Summary: After thousands of years, you’d think the God of Love would have learnt by now not to insult his mother. The punishment? Temporary exile in a castle full of teenagers. Because Aphrodite is evil  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Warning(s): Random and indiscriminate abuse of Greek and Roman mythology. Also, some of the pairings are a little…interesting? ;D  
> Epilogue compliant? This is set in 8th year Hogwarts in an EWE world where no-one I like dies. :D Because I can.  
> Word Count: ~2.7k  
> Author's Notes: Thank you to the wonderful D, who rescued me with a last-minute beta! Prompter, I tried to fit as much of your prompt in as possible, but then my cracktastic yet fluffy brain got involved and…well, you’ll see. They were slightly less reluctant than I’d originally envisioned but ultimately, it all leads to true love. I hope you enjoy it regardless! Title from Sam Cooke’s excellent song, ‘Cupid’.

“Bloody Aphrodite,” muttered the half-naked young deity that had just plummeted to Earth onto a small sandy beach. Cupid ruffled his blue-grey wings mutinously.  
  
“Make one little comment about how she’s let herself go a little now that she’s openly banging Ares and you get kicked out of Olympus.  _I’m_  not the one who can barely fit in her girdle anymore, am I?! So unfair! Psyche’s going to kill me if I’m not around in time for Hedone’s birthday party!”  
  
He readjusted the strap of his double-quiver as he looked around angrily, clenching a fist on his golden bow. He appeared to be on the edge of a large lake and as he turned around, spotted a massive castle with many turrets and towers in grey stone. He watched as a couple of owls flew overhead into part of the building.  
  
“Oh,  _great_! Just great.” He glanced skywards and yelled, “You had to banish me to a place with magic where I’m completely visible, didn’t you?! I’m going to get hexed so badly!” He looked around anxiously and mumbled, “What a total bitch. Gets it from her father, I swear.” Then yelped as a bolt of lightening hit the sand just to his left.  
  
“Okay!! You’re not a bitch and Zeus is an awesome granddad!  _Sorry_ , mum!”  
  
Cupid then swore vociferously as a small rock hit him in the side of the head. He instinctively grabbed an arrow at random, nocked it, raised the bow & immediately released it in the direction the rock had come from. Then promptly winced as he realized precisely what type of arrow he had just loosed at what appeared to be some sort of gigantic sea creature.  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
“Hmmm, curious. Minerva?” Dumbledore turned slightly from the window of his office towards his Deputy without removing his eyes from the scene at the edge of the forest below.  
  
“Yes, Albus?”  
  
“Either my eyesight is going or the Giant Squid is suddenly getting decidedly amorous with one of the Centaurs. Perhaps we should provide them with assistance in defending Bane’s dubious virtue. At the very least to avoid traumatizing the first years so early on this year.”  
  
McGonagall sighed in exasperation. “I am not paid enough for this shit.”  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
Following the unfortunate incident at the lake (he’d tried to apologise but that Bane fellow seemed to be rather enjoying all the tentacle action, if he was being brutally honest), Cupid had made a run for it to the nearest shelter, which appeared to be a homely little hut on the edge of the grounds. It was clearly occupied but currently empty of all but a large hound and several crossbred animals which he’d never encountered before. He’d taken advantage of the owner’s absence to borrow an oversized shirt and chug a little ale (he was a fan of the mortals’ alcohol – divine ambrosia just couldn’t compare).  
  
He’d just sat down on a large chair to contemplate his options and was being slobbered on by the dog when the door of the hut was thrown open and a very large, wild-looking, bearded man lumbered in.  
  
“Oh. Hullo. Who’re ye then?” the hairy gentleman rumbled.  
  
“Uh, Cupid. Pleasure to meet you,” He sketched a quick bow, deciding that a bit of politeness wouldn’t go amiss considering he’d basically stolen from the guy. “I’m a bit stranded so I borrowed a shirt – I hope you don’t mind?”  
  
“No worries. Stranded and missing clothes, eh? Ye won’t be the firs’ straggler from a Stag do that we’ve seen here at Hogwarts, believe you me. If ye go see the Headmaster he’ll try to help or at leas’ put ye up for the night.”  
  
“Ah, thank you.”  
  
“Cupid, right? S’funny name. Unusual, like. Ye from round ‘ere?”  
  
“Not exactly, no.”  
  
“Well, Fang likes ye ‘nd tha’s good enough for me. Just head on up to the castle ‘nd ask one o’ the kids to point ye towards Dumbledore’s office.”  
  
As Cupid left, he turned back to see the man giving his dog an affectionate pat on the head as he put the kettle on. Smiling softly, he quickly grabbed one of his golden arrows & loosed it at the large target of the gentleman’s behind.  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
Cupid made it up the path to the immense entrance doors to the castle and collared a blond teenager in black robes with yellow trim as he strutted past.  
  
“Excuse me, can you direct me to the Headmaster’s office?”  
  
The boy looked him up and down with a sneer.  
  
“I don’t think so, birdman. Find your own way.”  
  
He then walked off in the opposite direction.  
  
“Fucking teenagers.” Cupid grabbed a silver arrow and shot it at the boy’s skinny arse, thoroughly enjoying his squeak of shock.  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
“Luna?”  
  
“Yes, Ginny?”  
  
“Is it wrong that I’m finding the fact that Zacharias Smith is climbing Goyle like a tree over at the Slytherin table simultaneously hilarious, repulsive and strangely arousing?”  
  
Luna glanced over at said unusual pair, where Goyle looked torn between eating more cupcakes and helping Zacharias grind upon his lap, while Crabbe and Parkinson looked on in horror.  
  
“Nope.”  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
Two more unsuccessful attempts at gaining assistance later, Cupid was feeling well and truly grumpy and rather fed up with mortals. The frizzy-haired girl who hadn’t even looked at him, so absorbed in her book as she was, had barely responded in the negative with a mumbled apology before going on her way. He’d vindictively shot her in the thigh with a silver arrow, though he’d felt a tad guilty afterwards as he supposed that actually being scholarly while at school wasn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things.  
  
The snooty black kid in green-edged robes who had viewed his borrowed shirt with revulsion before handing him the card of a tailor and informing him that he needed that far more urgently than directions to ‘our lunatic Headmaster’. Well. Cupid felt he could hardly be blamed for shooting him in one well-formed bicep and then watching in glee as he filthily propositioned a dark-haired man with a hooked nose that was clearly one of the staff.  
  
After the rude kids had been duly inflicted with unfortunate desires, Cupid made an executive decision to make his way up the central staircase, as it seemed unlikely that the Headmaster would have an office on the ground floor where any of these annoying brats could easily bother him.  
  
As he climbed, he spotted a geeky-looking youngster with crooked teeth and a rounded face hanging about on the next landing.  
  
“Hey, kid. Mind pointing me towards the Headmaster?” he asked a bit abruptly. After his earlier experiences, he was braced for more poor behaviour.  
  
“Uh, sure.” The boy blushed. “I’ve only been there once but I think it’s on the sixth floor. No, wait…seventh. Maybe? Um, hang on.” Cupid frowned as the boy turned towards one of the staircases leading up and called to a boy in glasses who was coming down, “Hey, Harry – you’ve been to Dumbledore’s office loads, can you show this gentleman the way?”  
  
The teenager, Harry, gave a strained smile and said, “Sure, Nev – you go on down to dinner, yeah? No need for both of us to be late.”  
  
“Um, okay. Do you want me to save you a seat? Away from the Ginny and Luna show?”  
  
“That’d be good, yeah.” He smiled more genuinely then as the other boy jogged down the stairs and turned with a curious look to Cupid. “Easier for me to take you up than try to give directions, as the staircases like to change. Just follow me.” He grunted in pain as he turned back up the staircase he’d just descended.  
  
Cupid quickly shot a golden arrow at ‘Nev’ before he moved out of sight, as a way of saying thank you.  
  
“You alright?” he asked the dark-haired boy as he followed his limping gait up the stairs. He used a little bit of his divine power to encourage the teenager to talk openly.  
  
“Yeah, fine,” he responded with a quick smile. “Just bloody Malfoy being a pric…uh, idiot. Managed to smash my ankle during a Quidditch scrimmage earlier. Nearly ended up on top of me.” Harry grimaced.  
  
“Who’s Malfoy?” Cupid asked curiously, as they continued to climb various staircases in a pattern he could never hope to reproduce, hearing more than just simple animosity in the teenager’s voice.  
  
“Uh. Draco Malfoy. Rich, blond, arrogant and my rival Seeker.  _A_  rival seeker, I mean. Not  _mine_. Obviously. There are four teams, so four Seekers. Thinks he’s Merlin’s gift to…everyone, really. Bloody entitled git.” Harry blushed.  
  
Cupid raised an eyebrow. Talk about deluding yourself. This was a crush with a capital C or he wasn’t the God of Love!  
  
“And the Ginny and Luna show?”  
  
“Ex-girlfriend. Decided she was more into girls than guys so we split and now she spends mealtimes feeding her girlfriend from her fingers or sticking her tongue down her throat.”  
  
“Ah, jealous.” Cupid nodded.  
  
“No!” Harry blurted. “I mean, not of the girlfriend. Good on them, I say – at least one of us is getting laid.” Harry bit his lip looking like he really wished he hadn’t said that. “More like, jealous of her being in a relationship. Plus, I don’t really want to see anyone’s tonsils while I’m trying to eat, you know?”  
  
“Hmmm. If you say so,” Cupid said dubiously. Having lived on Olympus most of his life, he didn’t think a meal was complete without at least a little tongue action from _someone_. Usually it was Zeus and Ganymede going at it while Hera encouraged them and took notes. If he could eat while his grandfather pretty much fucked his cupbearer on one of the couches, he didn’t see why Harry couldn’t with just a little spit-swapping on show.  
  
Harry coughed and changed the subject. “Anyway, the Headmaster’s Office is just up here. You’re lucky that I know the current password.”  
  
They quickly moved up the final staircase and walked towards a statue of a gargoyle recessed into the wall, surrounded by a narrow curving staircase.  
  
“Here it is. Get on the first step and I’ll speak the password, then it’ll start moving – just knock on the door when you get to the top, yeah?”  
  
“Thanks,” said Cupid gratefully, deciding then and there that not all mortal teenagers were irresponsible little shits as he hopped onto the bottom step.  
  
“Sugar quills,” Harry announced and the curved stairs began to move up with a grinding noise of stone-on-stone. “Good luck,” he added with a nostalgic smile.  
  
As Harry turned to go, Cupid swiftly fired a golden arrow at his back, catching him in the shoulder. Harry twisted back towards him in confusion.  
  
“Did you just…?” He peered over his own shoulder in bewilderment, looking vaguely like a dog trying to chase his tail, but spotting nothing there looked back to the winged deity with a frown.  
  
“Thanks for the escort, kid. Have a fun evening.” Cupid grinned and saluted the kid with his bow.  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
  
Severus Snape was a man of few (snarky) words, but the situation before him had him actually speechless.  
  
Not only had the Zabini boy accosted him earlier to whisper suggestively in his ear various anatomically improbable offers of what they could do together whilst rubbing his groin up against him (Severus had felt fully justified in using  _Levicorpus_  on him, though watching him gyrate upside down in mid-air had been equally disturbing), before subsequently observing Longbottom approach Parkinson with quiet sincerity and an offer of a date in Hogsmeade that was effusively accepted, he was now watching, astounded, as a blushing Flitwick accepted a bouquet of dogwood sprigs from a similarly flushed Hagrid, to “show my affection for ye.”  
  
“The whole world has lost their minds,” he breathed.  
  
“Seems that way, doesn’t it?” said McGonagall from his right with a smirk. “Just try not to envision how their sex life will work and you’ll be fine.”  
  
Severus choked.  
  
“I’m beginning to think the Dark Lord may have been a better option.”  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
  
“Ron!”  
  
Ron raised his face from where he’d been inhaling mashed potato and pie straight from his plate, as a panting Padma Patil came skidding to a halt on the other side of the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.  
  
“Wha’?” he said through his mouthful.  
  
Padma looked temporarily derailed in disgust before shaking her head and returning to her reason for her abrupt arrival.  
  
“I think you’d better go to the Library and help Hermione. She’s…umm…not quite herself and I think Pince is going to either have a stroke or use an Unforgiveable if someone doesn’t…intervene soon.”  
  
Ron frowned.  
  
“How not herself? And why didn’t  _you_  intervene?”  
  
Padma squeaked in embarrassment.  
  
“I didn’t think you’d appreciate me intervening with your girlfriend in  _that_  way!”  
  
“In what way?” Ron exclaimed in confusion.  
  
“She’s…” Padma leaned closer, before whispering hoarsely with a violent blush, “She’s riding the spines of the books.  _Sexually_.”  
  
“She’s WHAT?” Ron yelled.  
  
“She’s using the books to get herself off. She’d come three times before I even realized what was happening – I just thought she’d found something  _really_ fascinating.”  
  
Ron barely refrained from facepalming at the Ravenclaw. Then he realized the full impact of what Padma was saying.  
  
“Are you saying that my girlfriend is currently hot, sweaty, semi-naked and turned-on in the Library. Awaiting an intervention. With my cock?”  
  
Padma nodded firmly.  
  
“YES!!” Ron hollered, jumping to his feet. “This is like every wet dream I’ve had since I was thirteen coming true!!! Look out, Hermione, here I cooooooommmmmmeeee!!!”  
  
Padma shook her head in vague amusement as the echo of Ron’s voice trailed off as he sprinted away. Then she shifted uncomfortably and decided this was the perfect time to head to her bunk. Hermione had been very… _enthusiastic_  in her appreciation of the written word.  
  


 

  
**********

  
  
  
Albus Dumbledore and Cupid a.k.a. Eros a.k.a. the God of Love were putting the finishing touches to a sacred altar to Aphrodite in a corner of the Headmaster’s office, which was decorated with several small votive sculptures, galleons, roses, myrtle, scallop shells and swan feathers. They’d already poured multiple libations of firewhiskey to the goddess on a ‘one for me, one for the goddess’ basis and were both well past tipsy. Cupid had even sung a song about his mum that had begged for forgiveness. It had been rather sweet, though a tad incestuous-sounding.  
  
“Cheers for the boost home, Albus. And the sherbet lemons.” The deity shook the small paper bag filled with lemony goodness.  
  
“You’re welcome.” Dumbledore clapped him on the shoulder companionably. “Always a delight to have an Olympian on the premises – brings a certain excitement into the daily grind. And apparently a certain degree of grinding, too.”  
  
They grinned at each other in amusement before the deity disappeared with a tinkle of bells and some fluttering paper hearts, as his mother clearly decided he’d suffered enough.  
  


 

**********

  
  
  
  
  
“Potter.” Draco stopped hastily at the top of the stairs from the dungeons and smoothed a hand over his hair as he nearly walked into the other boy, who appeared to be loitering with intent.  
  
Harry swallowed nervously and gave a small smile.  
  
“Malfoy. You’re looking rather dashing this evening.”  
  
Draco scowled. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Potter.”  
  
“I wasn’t being sarcastic. You’re gorgeous. Umm…” Harry blushed and bit his lip, before rushing on with, “Good scrimmage game earlier, huh? Lots of action. Maybe you’d like to go one-on-one later?”  
  
Draco went pink. He was fairly positive Potter hadn’t meant that quite as dirtily as it had sounded. He looked at Harry’s slight leer and eager face. Or maybe he had. Well, in for a knut…  
  
“I’d  _love_  to go one-on-one with you anytime, Potter. Perhaps we can even ride each others’ broomsticks sometime, too. Get a feel for how we like to handle it,” he responded coyly.  
  
Harry grinned lewdly.  
  
“ _That_ , Malfoy, sounds like the best idea you’ve had yet.”  


 

**Finis**

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